Spongebob, Da Gangsta
by RyuuRanger
Summary: It's a case where Spongebob meets San Andreas and he becomes a guntoting gangster bent on death and destruction.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Spongebob. Nickelodeon does.

"Yo-yo-yo! Bikini Bottom Crew! Live! KICK IT!" Some fish dressed in gangster clothes began to break-dance to some hip-hop. "A'ight! This beat is poppin', Homes!" Said a fish in red. A fat fish in a hoodie was carrying a boom box while a girl fish was shaking her big booty.

Spongebob and Patrick walked towards the group. "Hi, fellas! What's going on?" The optimistic sponge smiled. "Rap, fool! That's what's going on!" The fish in red snapped at him. "You gotta get with it to understand it, homie!" The fat fish began bouncing to the beat.

"Homie?" Patrick blinked. "Yeah, fool!" The fish in red began break-dancing. "Can you teach us?" Spongebob asked. "HAHAHAHAA! Hey, J-Dog! Listen to this fool! He wants us to teach him!" All the gangster fish laughed their asses off.

The sponge and starfish looked at each other, not sure what was going on. Finally, the gangster fish stopped laughing and a fish in blue walked towards them. "You wanna learn? Then come with us." Spongebob and Patrick blinked and followed the gangsters into downtown. "Hehehe..." The fish in blue grinned evilly.

12 Hours Later...

Squidward was waking up from his beauty sleep. "Ahhh... Today will be a great day!" He smiled and stretched out his arms. "I just hope Spongebob and Patrick don't ruin it." As if on cue, Spongebob and Patrick burst through the wall, wearing gangster clothing and jewelry.

"BREAK YOURSELF, FOOL!" Spongebob roared at Squidward, drawing out his gat. "AAAH!" Squidward screamed in horror, not expecting the sponge to actually hold a weapon. "Shut the fuck up, bitch ass nigga!" Patrick snarled and punched Squidward across the face, repeatedly.

"That's enough, P-dog. Now go over there and get his shit. I'll deal with this old fool." Spongebob walked over to the downed squid, who was sobbing and blubbering. "Shut up, punk!" He pressed the gun against his cheek. "Now, tell me. Where's the safe?" Squidward looked at him incredously.

"What?" He blurted out. Spongebob kicked the dresser down in anger. "What country is you from?"

"What?" Squidward whimpered.

"WHAT AIN'T NO COUNTRY I EVER HEARD OF! THEY SPEAK ENGLISH IN "WHAT"?"

"What?" Squidward repeated. "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?"

"YES! I SPEAK IT!" Squidward wailed in fear. "Then you know what I'm sayin'."

"Yes!"

"Then tell me where the safe is."

"What?"

"Say "what" again. SAY WHAT AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE-DOG-DARE YOU, BITCH! SAY WHAT ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!"

"It's in the painting!" The squid sobbed.

"What painting?" The sponge snarled.

"The painting of me!"

"Big nose or big head?" Squidward stared at the sponge in confusion. "What?"

Spongebob fired at one of his legs, blowing it off. "AAAAAAAAAAH!" Squidward wailed in intense pain.

"BIG NOSE OR BIG HEAD?!" The sponge roared. "BIG NOSE!" Squidward howled.

Spongebob then got up and tore down the painting and opened the safe with his gun. Then he took out the money and stuffed it inside his coat. "Thanks for your contribution, nigga." Spongebob pointed his gun and laid a bullet in Squidward's head, killing him.

"YO, P-DOG!" Spongebob shouted as he came downstairs. "What up, Spongeman?" The starfish held a Tv under his arm. "We gots to go! Five-O is gonna be storming this place soon." Then they ran off to the pineapple and stashed their shit in the house.

"Meow!" Gary looked at Spongeman. "Shut the hell up, you bitch ass snail!" The sponge hurled a vase at him. Gary moved out of the way and glared at Spongeman. "Me-ow." "WELL, FUCK YOU THEN, PUNK!" P-dog ran in and shook him. "Chill, man. We gotta be up outta here!" Then they ran off towards the Krusty Krab and sat down, acting all causal.

"Yo, man. That was a pretty big score we did." P-dog grabbed his burger and chomped it. "Yeah, dawg. We bad! We iced that squid mother!" Spongeman slammed his fist on his chest and put on his sunglasses. "Hit it, P-dog!" P-dog pulled out a boom box and turned the volume up.

"Damn, man! I'm feeling it! I am feeling the groove coming on!" Spongeman jumped on the table and was ready to burst into song.

_Hey, homies, check it out!_

_It's the boys P-dog and Spongeman!_

_They be here to show you what it all about!_

_Yo,Yo! GET IT ON!_

_Yo, Yo! GET IT ON!_

_Hey, stop your shit and look at it!_

_The yellow bling-bling master apparent!_

_If you don't get my drift,_

_I'll send you adrift!_

_Yo, Yo, Yo! MOVE IT!_

_Yo, Yo, Yo! MOVE IT!_

"WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?" Mr. Krabs kicked the door open and was thrown out by some gangster fish who danced their way in the Krusty Krab. "AAAH!" Mr. Krabs became a star in the sky.

_Look around, my niggas!_

_The pink menace is ready bust yo ass!_

_If you don't wanna get hurt, you betta show some class!_

_Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo! KICK IT!_

_Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo! KICK IT!_

_PEACE!_

"Damn, baby! You got it!" P-dog high-fived Spongeman and they whooped their asses off. "P-dog, we is the best of the best! Now, let's rob that safe and get the formula to Plankton." They ran into the office and stole everything, including the secret formula. "JACK-FUCKING-POT!" P-dog yelled in joy.

Then they walked to the Chum Bucket and knocked on the door. "HEY! PLANKTON! We gots sumthin' for ya." P-dog handed the secret formula to Plankton. "Is this a trick?" He asked them, being wary of Krabs's tricks before. "Naw, dawg. This is the real deal." Spongeman smiled, his gold teeth showing.

"Oh, my God! THANK YOU SO MUCH!" Plankton clung to Spongeman's leg, crying in joy. "How can I ever repay you gentlemen?" P-dog smiled knowingly. "I can think of sumthin'."

Later, the duo were riding in a low-rider with bouncing wheels. "Damn! This ride is tight!" Spongeman turned on the radio and hip-hop blared throughout the streets. "This beat is live, live, live!" Spongeman whooped. "And there ain't no jive turkey in sight!" P-dog adjusted his glasses. Just then, a loud fart sounded in the car.

"DAMN, P-DOG!" Spongeman held his nose. "My bad." P-dog stretched his arms and yawned. Spongeman began to drive towards the Driving School. "YO, PUFFY!" Spongeman roared out as he walked towards the door. Mrs. Puff walked outside and glared at Spongeman. "Sponge...bob?" Her eyes became the size of dots.

"That's me." Spongeman crossed his arms and did some gang signs. _'Oh no! Spongebob's fallen in with the wrong crowd!' _The pufferfish quivered in fear. "Yo, mama. We want to talk about Spongeman's license." P-dog slowly drew out his gun from his back pocket. Spongeman looked at her ass. "Damn, that's a fine ass..." He murmured.

_'Oh, God!' _Mrs. Puff thought as she was surrounded by her former student and friend._ 'What's going to happen to me?' _ They loomed closer towards her as she slunk to her knees.

Only time would tell...

TBC.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own SpongeBob. Nick does.

P-Dog was beating the daylights out of Mrs. Puff with a stick. He had her tied up in titanium rope. P-Dog viciously beat the poor pufferfish in the head with a metal stick. With each whack, Mrs. Puff cried out in pain, her head throbbing.

"STUPID FAT PIECE OF SHIT!!! YOU WANNA TALK SHIT ON P-DOG?! I WILL KNOCK YOU THE FUCK OUT!!!" P-Dog shouted as he continuously swung.

Sponge-man ran over to P-dog and restrained him. "OK, THAT'S ENOUGH, P-DOG!"

P-dog threw the stick at Mrs. Puff. "TIME FOR YOU TO GIVE IT UP, YOU BIG FAT BITCH!!!"

"Please... No more... I'll give it to you..." Mrs. Puff sobbed. She gave Sponge-man his driver's license.

"All right. Let's get us some 40's..." Sponge-man and P-dog went into a car and drove to a mini mart. They got out and entered the store. P-dog grabbed some malt liquors and brought it to the counter. He then reached into his pockets and pulled out a hand full of bills. The confused store clerk looked at the items, then looked back at P-Dog.

"What da fuck are you doing? Ring that fucking shit up!" the starfish growled.

"Sir… you are aware that I cannot sell alcohol to people under 21…" The clerk said.

"And you are aware that I'm over 21… So… those rules don't apply… so ring that shit up before I leap over that counter and fuck you in your tight little ass."

"Ok… Ok…" the clerk said. She rung up P-dog's items, then bagged them. P-dog slammed a handful of dollar bills on the counter, grabbed his bag, then left the mini mart.

"Let's go, Sponge-Man." They drove off and drank their 40's on the road. "Stop here, P-dog. I gotta take care of some shit." They stopped at a trailer park. Sponge-Man walked up to a trailer with arms full of vanilla ice cream, cabbage, and chili. He went to the trailer and stopped at the door. He then put the stuff down so that he could pick the lock to the door. Once it was open, he picked the stuff back up and walked inside.

Sponge-Man began to stuff his face with ice cream, cabbage, and chili. Then he pulled out a chocolate milkshake and chugged it all down.

"_Wait for it… wait for it…" _Sponge-man said to himself. Five minutes later, there was a large rumbling in his stomach. "_THERE IT GOES!! THERE'S A RUMBLE IN MY TUMMY AND EVERYONE'S INVITED!"_

He quickly ran over to Lil' Buster and pushed his head so his face was pointed straight up. He then got on the bed, turned around, and pulled down his pants and boxers. Next, he squatted down over Buster's face to where his "cheeks" where an inch from Buster's nose.

"FIRE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOLE!!!" Sponge-man shouted.

It was then that the loudest fart in history was heard throughout Bikini Bottom.

"DAAAYYYMN, BOY!" P-dog laughed.

Sponge-Man suddenly came running down the dockside once again at full speed! He was being chased by Buster, who was toting a VERY large, machine gun with 4 barrels, shooting at Sponge-man. He was in a tank top and boxers.

"SPONGE-MAN, YOU MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!! YOU'RE IN DEEP FUCKIN' TROUBLE NOW!! AND WHEN I SAY TROUBLE… I'M TALKIN' ABOUT FOUR BARRELS OF HOT LEAD DEATH POINTED AT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' HEAD!!!!" Buster shouted, not once caring about the fact that he was running down the docks in his underclothing.

Sponge-man ran towards the car, trying to keep his balance from laughing so hard. "YEAH, MAN!!! I GUESS YOU TRULY ARE A LITTLE COCKBUSTER!!!" P-dog jumped behind the car and pulled out his gat.

YOU WANNA PLAY SOME GAT WARS, BIATCH?!" P-dog shouted. He began to shoot at Little Buster. "P-DOG, WHAT THE FUCK ARE DOING?! STOP FIRING!" The yellow sponge screamed.

"I'LL KILL YOU, SPONGEBOB!" Buster kept shooting like a madman. "I'LL ICE YOUR FAT PINK HOMEBOY, TOO!" That comment enraged the starfish to no end. His eyes glowed red with anger.

"OH, HELL NAW!!!" P-dog rose up and shot at Lil' Buster. "TALK SHIT ON P-DOG, WILL YOU?! I'LL SHOOT YOUR ASS SO BAD WITH THIS GAT, YOU'LL BE PULLING OUT BULLETS FROM YOUR ASS FOR MONTHS!!!" "P-DOG, STOP!!" Sponge-man screamed at the top of his lungs. P-Dog kept on firing with great vigor as the fierce shoot-out continued!

Later...

Sponge-Man drove on the road, not even looking at P-dog. "C'mon, dawg, I didn't mean to shoot the son of a bitch. It was an accident!" "Don't fuckin' talk to me." Sponge-man snarled at him, not even turning around.

"Dawg..." P-dog placed his gat on the dashboard and looked at Sponge-man. "We've been homies for da 1st grade!" Sponge-man stopped the car and kicked P-dog out. "You can walk your punk ass home, YOU FUCKING FAT PINK SHIT!" Sponge-man drove off and stopped at his crib.

He went inside and slammed the door. "Meow." Gary looked up at him. "I AM IN NO MOTHERFUCKING MOOD, GARY!" The yellow gangsta roared as he stormed off into the kitchen and grabbed a malt liquor and chugged it all down. "Stupid-ass P-Dog had to go shoot my cocaine link! GOD DAMN HIS STUPID ASS!"

Spongeman threw his desert eagle harshly against a wall, the gun going off and hitting Gary. "MEOW!!!!!" Gary screamed. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Spongeman roared.

Meanwhile, P-dog walked town, watching Squillam walk by him. He went in front of him and stared at him.

"What is it?" Squillam said.

"…Nothin." P-dog replied.

"Hmph." Squillam said.

They both stared at each other a little longer. Finally, P-dog broke the silence.

"Ok, I'm just gonna come right out and ask. Are you talkin' shit on my ass?"

"What? God, no!" Squillam said.

"Ok. That's all I wanted to hear." P-dog said.

"Fine, then." Squillam said.

"Ok." P-dog said.

"Carry on, then." Squillam said.

"Ok, I will." P-dog replied.

They both nodded, and began to walk their separate ways.

"Remember…" P-dog said.

Squillam looked back.

"… P-dog knows when people are talkin' shit on his ass."

"I bet you do, my good man." Squillam replied. "_Hooligan!"_

TBC.

Stay tuned to the next gangsta episode of Spongebob! And if you don't... P-dog will know when people are talking shit on him behind his back and he will come and unload on you stupid ass motherfuckers!


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own that phenomenon that is Spongebob. Nick does.

Sponge-man was chilling out in his crib. "A nigga could get down with this…" Tupac was being blasted through the radio.

"MEOW!" Gary shouted angrily. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU BITCH-ASS SNAIL!" Sponge-man threw an empty 40 at him.

The phone then rang. "What do YOU want, bitch?" Sponge-man growled. "Sponge-bob? Is that you?" Sandy's voice came from the phone.

"No, it's Deebo. Of course it's me, bitch!" Sponge-man snorted. "I don't know what has gotten into Spongebob, but I don't like it." Sandy snapped.

"Well, get used to-OH, GOD DAYMUN!!" Sponge-man shouted as Gary bit on his nuts. "GET OFF! GET THE FUCK OFF!" Sponge-man jumped around and danced like a lunatic.

Meanwhile, P-dog was walking around the streets of Bikini Bottom. "Aw, shit. The Dog is on the prowl!" P-dog turned around and pulled down his pants and mooned at people driving by.

"AAAAAHHHHH!! SWEET FUCKING MOTHER OF POSEIDON!! MY EYES!! MY GODDAMN EYES!!" One of the drivers screamed.

P-dog quickly pulled up his pants and ran off to the gas station.

Later, Sponge-man arrived at the gas station, noticing P-dog hanging out at the store. "YO, P-DAWG! GET YO ASS OVER HERE!"

P-dog lumbered over toward the sponge. "Get in. We gonna hit up those fucking Barracudas."

"Awww, shit. Those muthafuckas are in for it now!" P-dog pulled out an Uzi. "Let's ride!" The duo drove off towards Slingshot Bottom.

At Slingshot Bottom…

Sponge-man and P-dog drew out their gats and snuck up behind a car. "On three. 1, 2, 3!!!" They emerged from behind the car and opened fire upon the red house.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" Sponge-man roared out his battle cry in great vigor.

"DIE, BARRACUDA FOO'!" P-dog screamed out. He rushed inside the house and began blasting all over the place.

"COME HERE, NIGGA!" P-dog grabbed an old man and began to bash his head on a table. "YOU GONNA DIE, BARRACUDA! YA HEAR ME?!"

Sponge-man ran inside and saw all the dead bodies of the elderly. "Oh fuckin' shit! P-DOG! P-DOG, STOP!" He ran towards the enraged starfish.

"WE GOT THE WRONG HOUSE!" P-dog froze. "What?" "WE BEEN SET UP!" Sponge-man turned around to hear sirens. "THE FIVE-O!"

"AW, HELL NO! I AIN'T GOING TO NO PRISON!" P-dog rushed outside. "P-DOG, NO!" Sponge-man ran after him.

P-Dog drew out his Uzi and fired upon the police cars and the officers inside. "DIE, POPO! YOU AIN'T GONNA BUST ME!"

Sponge-man watched in horror as one of the officers managed to shoot P-dog in the tummy. "Oh, fuck, man!" P-dog dropped his Uzi and fell onto the grass.

"P-DOG!!" Sponge-man ran towards him. "Hang in there, man! You gonna make it!" He grabbed the starfish and pulled him into his car. Then they drove back towards Bikini Bottom.

At the Tree Dome…

Sandy was busy making some random invention. "Hmm, this still needs work…" She bent over to make some adjustments, when she heard rapid knocking at her door.

"What in tarnation?!" She stormed over to the door and opened it up. Sponge-man rushed inside. "YOU GOTTA HELP US, SANDRA! P-DOG BEEN SHOT!"

"What happened, Spongebob?" Sandy gasped as she saw Patrick, blood covering his abdomen. "THE POPO SHOT HIM!"

"The what?!" Sandy was confused by Sponge-bob's strange talk. "I don't understand WHAT you're saying, Sponge-bob!"

"YOU DUMBASS MAMMAL BITCH! P-DOG IS GONNA DIE! AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT MY LANGUAGE?!" Sponge-man screamed. Sandy was taken aback by Spongebob's words.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THIS! I'MMA GONNA GO AND-" Sponge-man suddenly fell to the ground, blood seeping from his stomach. Apparently, P-dog had shot Sponge-man by accidental reflex.

"SPONGEBOB!!!!!" Sandy screamed in horror as she saw her friend lying on the ground and bleeding. She pulled out a cell phone and began to call a doctor.

"Please, don't die!" Sandy sobbed as she tried to keep the two gangstas alive. "Just hold on!"

Will the two gangstas be ok? Tune in next time, bitches.

TBC.


	4. Chapter 4

I do not own Spongebob. Nick does.

"Ugh, fuck!" Spongeman snarled as he stood up, holding his stomach. "MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Spongebob, take it easy," Sandy gently chided as she laid him back down. "I called the hospital, and they said Patrick's going to be fine."

"FUCK THAT NOISE, BITCH! THEY COULD BE GANKING MY MAIN MAN IN THE ASS FOR ALL WE KNOW!" Spongeman roared. "THOSE DUMBASS NURSES AND SHIT!"

"Spongebob, what did I tell you about hospitals?" Sandy narrowed her eyes. "Now calm down and rest. I'm going to pick up Patrick. You sit here and watch TV." She grabbed her underwater suit and went outside.

"FUCK!" Spongeman shouted as he banged his head against the recliner, cursing silently as tears ran down his face. Would he ever see his friend again?

"OH GAWD! OH FUCK!" P-dog screamed in pain as he thrashed around in the wheelchair.

"Sir, calm down!" The orderlies tried to restrain him, but to no avail. "FUCK THAT, MAN! WHERE'S SPONGEMAN?! SPONGEMAN! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! FUCK!"

"Patrick!" Sandy walked in and glared at him. "Stop making trouble for those poor men!"

"FUCK YOU, YOU FURRY BITCH ASS CUNT!" Patrick bellowed. "THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT I'M IN THIS SHITHOLE! P-DOG IS GONNA FUCK YOU SILLY FOR THIS!"

"Ugh…" Sandy growled and began to wheel Patrick back to the Tree Dome.

Later…

"Thanks for the help, Sandra." Spongeman grinned. "Now we gots some bizness to take care of."

"Like hell you are!" Sandy glared at Spongebob. "I don't know what's gotten into you, but I'm not going to standby and let you get yourself killed!"

"WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT, BITCH?!" P-dog leaned forward, growling.

"P-DOG, STOP!" Spongeman held him back, preventing him from making another blunder. "It's aight, man."

"FUCK THAT SHIT!" P-Dog roared. "I'MMA GONNA ICE THIS BITCH!" He pulled out a gun and aimed it at Sandy. "HARDCORE, SON!"

"Where did you get that?!" Sandy shouted.

"NONE YO BIZNESS, BITCH!" P-Dog yelled back.

Suddenly, police cars swarmed around the dome. "This is the Slingshot Police! Come out with your hands up!"

"OH, FUCK! IT'S THE POPO!" Spongeman shouted.

"FUCK THE POLICE!" P-Dog turned to the front door. "I A'INT SCARED OF THEM PIGS!"

"Patrick, don't!" Sandy moved forward to grab him, but P-Dog, being the ultimate badass that he was, shot her in the arm.

Spongeman gaped in horror as Sandy fell onto the grass, crying and whimpering in pain. "Oh, god… OH MY FUCKING GOD, MAN!" He turned to P-Dog, anger and pain in his blazing eyes. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"

"I showed her who wears the motherfucking pants around here, that's what's up, nigga!" P-Dog boomed.

BANG!

P-Dog let out a cry as the bullet went through his chest. "Et tu, Spongeman? Then fucking die, bitch." He turned around and blasted Spongeman in the brain before succumbing to the darkness.

Spongeman let out a garbled scream as he fired wildly in the air, breaking the glass dome. Water rushed in and started to fill up the dome with water, drowning Sandy.

The police watched the tragic scene in horror as the gangstas of Bikini Bottom were no more.

"Mother of God, Jim." One officer said. "They were just fucking kids."

"It's a goddamn shame, Bob." Another officer nodded. "A goddamn shame."

"Meow!" Gary agreed as he sat on the roof of the car, wearing a badge on the side of his shell.

The end… OR IS IT?!


End file.
